Taking a highlighter to your life.

Last night I got into a deep discussion with my nephew and I fessed up about a deep fear.

I am scared of dying. I have been since a little girl, lying in my narrow bed at night trying my absolute best to push away my imagination of not “being here” anymore. I would think about my pony Jolly, my cat Thai – Thai (yes he was Siamese) and my Mum and Dad.

Heavy I know!

At 54, I still do my best to push that part of my imagination away. Now I do it in a different way. That girl of 7 has got up to a few things in the last 47 years and in moments of unsettling quiet where the mind might drift to my dreaded fear I instead take a highlighter to my life. Metaphorically and imaginatively, I allow my brain to conjure up a good old fashioned, popular in the 80’s, fat highlighter pen and I start to stroke away at my memory.

Sometimes I am chronological, sometimes themed, sometimes very chaotic. Every time I am enthralled by my own life. Studying the past with the volition of a Year 12 student prepping for a Biology HSC exam (I loved biology- all that synthesis stuff and mitochondria! Fascinating!). There are little moments and big moments and the yellow fluro pen gets to work mostly on how those moments made me feel. For me, that is the enduring highlight.  I am not the best at remembering stats, facts, or even dates. Ask my husband about dates – I can never remember our anniversary! Feelings (and weirdly…what I was wearing) I can remember with clarity and poignance.

For the best part of June this year I added another experience that immediately secured a highlighter stroke. With 12 others I summited Kilimanjaro and after went on safari. I would like to share what I wrote on my personal Instagram page @frith_wanders.

Summit smiles - 13 to the top thanks to our Tanzanian support

You cannot get to 5895 metre summits on your own. Maybe you can… but why would you.

Wouldn’t you prefer to share that journey with inspiring others. With kind and supportive people who help you climb the mountain inside yourself. Encouraging you every step, being a teacher when you think you know better.

Wouldn’t you prefer to do it with a group of hard-working Aussies who are full of spirit and motivation. Who leave any barriers behind and just proceed – one step at a time.

Wouldn’t you prefer to feel the gratitude for your fellow human who is there for you.

I sure would.

Team Kilimanjaro - 13 Aussies and 46 Tanzanians

The impact of this experience on me has been profound. Not only did we travel to a far off destination where so much is different from our lives here in Australia. We did a really hard thing that took perseverance and good nature.  As we struck out at midnight on the day of the summit, after five days of slowly making our way along the Machame Route to acclimatize, I allowed  myself to feel fully present with every step. It was absolutely freezing and the wind, due to a full moon was whipping the barren mountainous slope with no apology.  Taking one steady step at a time, waves of warm, emotion kept rolling through my body. These rolls happen to me in any experience when I am doing something epic. I’ve had it before at 80 K into a 100 K trail event; on the Ice Sheet in Greenland; on the Yukon River on a 12 day canoe journey. Epic nature experiences where it is just you, the land and the people who are around you. Everyone is inside themselves; everyone is digging deep.

Best of all were the moments on that six and a half hour climb from base camp where your mind started to falter and our Tanzanian support crew would break into song. Deep, rhythmic notes would ring out across the starry night. The most beautiful sound in the world. Lifting our spirits, bringing a smile to our lips and a deep appreciation of distraction to our hearts. These humble, fiercely strong, gracious humans spurring us on with the lightness of a feather touch. Encouragement that corrals and uplifts.

With the feelings of this experience now banked and for now my highlighter pen stashed I carry on with all things that life gives us. All the responsibilities, the troubles, the wins, the losses, the very best of our times and the heartaches too. All together at any moment, on any day, week or year.

It’s so fabulous. That’s why I want nothing more that to keep in it – this life thing. No standing on the sides wondering.